Favors
by Otempora42
Summary: Ted only did this -- agreed to a threesome -- for Barney. Barney/Robin/Ted, with focus on Barney/Ted and Barney/Robin. Explicit sexual content and language. Oneshot.


**OK, so this fic is incredibly nervous-making. And also slightly incoherant. And I am incapable of writing happy porn.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own HIMYM.**

Favors

_Bros before hoes._ That's the first article of the Bro Code, isn't it?

They're tangled in the bed, and there's barely any room. Robin's hand is on his cock, pumping just fast enough to get a reaction, but she's definitely taking her time. If Ted were less charitable, he'd say that she was distracted.

Ted kisses her neck, and he pushes her hair out of the way. But his eyes are focused on Robin's breast, and Barney's thumb teasing her nipples (they're very sensitive – Ted could never figure out how to do it so that she liked it, but Barney's a natural). Barney's and Robin's genitals are rubbing together, but there's no penetration yet.

Ted nips at Robin's neck, and he hears her whimper. He has to remind them that he's there, that he agreed to this too.

Barney and Robin were seriously dysfunctional, if they found a three-way less awkward than being in an actual relationship.

Not that you could tell by the way they were touching each other. Robin takes hold of Barney's penis and guides it into her. Barney starts thrusting into her. Ted averts his eyes. His lips move down to Robin's shoulder, and he takes the condoms and the lube off of the bedside table.

Robin's hand slides off of his dick as Ted puts on the condom. He begins to apply the slick lube to her ass, gently fingering her. He hasn't got much time. She and Barney have got a rhythm going, but Ted has to get in there, damn it.

Robin moans as Ted enters her. He grabs hold of her arms and presses against her back. Meanwhile, Barney is covering her chest with kisses – the area between her breasts and her neck. At one point, Ted can feel the top of their scalps brush, but they don't look up, don't kiss. Why not? It's not as if _they've _never been intimate, not like they hadn't had a desperate encounter in the bathroom when Ted felt like blowing his brains out over Stella. Not like Ted doesn't know how well Barney kisses, how well Barney fucks.

But when Robin's there, Barney's attention is fixed on her, and Ted isn't comfortable with the feeling that builds in his stomach when he thinks about that.

Ted comes too early – he knows he has, knows he's lost. He pulls out and removes the condom. He ties it off and throws it away. And then he gets to watch. Great.

Barney doesn't kiss her on the mouth – they never do, during sex – but you can tell that he wants to. All he wants is Robin, all to himself. Ted _knew _that – he knew it when he agreed to this arrangement, knew it when he started this, knows it now – but it still bothers him.

He's almost convinced himself that the clenching at the pit of his stomach is because he knows that Barney and Robin should be alone, without him. And partially that's true. He's not quite so sure about the rest of it. He'd almost prefer it if it was because he had feelings for Robin – that'd be understandable. Having sex with your former girlfriend. It was bound to confuse you a little, right?

It's better than the alternative.

The one he was growing more sure of every day.

"Barney," she whispers, as he keeps thrusting into her. With a gasp, they come together. Ted'll have to ask Barney how he does that sometime. God knows he can't ask Barney to show him.

Sometimes he wonders, when Barney and Robin are basking in their glow, what would happen if he were just to kiss Barney. Damn the consequences.

He imagines it as he'd like it to be – at first Barney'd be surprised, but then he'd start to kiss him back. Robin'd watch, of course, but she'd be outside of their sphere of consciousness. It would just be _them, _for once.

But then Ted imagines the look in Barney's eyes afterwards, the shock and the pointed glances at Robin that he'd make, and Ted knows, without a doubt, that he'll never do it.

"Ted?" Robin's hand goes to his chest. "You OK?"

No, he's not OK. He's a voyeur, an outsider. He's only here as a favor, a favor that he wishes that he could get out of. Ted could name a million places where he'd rather be right now, and Robin wasn't in any of them.

But then he looks over, and sees Robin looking at him, with genuine concern and curiosity. It's not her fault. Not her fault that she's got a man in love with her. And then a man in love with that man.

"Great," Ted says, with a small smile. "Fine."


End file.
